Gorilla Glue......

LOL....it's always somethin'..especially when mom's "alone". 

You know that gorilla glue that's super strong an' will glue anythin'? 

Well, here's some tips...
.
1.  If you get it all over your hand because, well, you're like mom...no real other explanation needed...first off..don't pet me or Lexie or any other 'dale.....'cause your hand will kinda resemble us.

2.   Don't pick up any paper, you'll be peelin' that stuff off till doomsday. 

3.  Try to keep your fingers apart, or they kinda hurt, even if they are furry (because you ignored #1) when you try to pull 'em apart. 

What to do....To save you time, these things don't work, so don't try these 'cause your hand is just gettin' even more sticky as it dries.....
dish detergent
hairspray, 
nail polish remover, 
alcohol, 
goo gone, 
orange goop, 
toothpaste (why? I dunno, but it don't work),
all purpose cleaner, 
spot remover, 
Deep Eddie's grapefruit vodka (didn't work, but made mom feel better after taking a swig or two), 
an' clothes detergent.

 All the while, have someone like me shadowin' you, just to witness what crazy thing you're gonna do next. Finally, as a last resort (the other being to just let your hand dry w/the fingers separated & know eventually it'll wear off).....say, "the heck w/it" an' get out one of them lil' soapy steel wool pads and scrub your hand like it's never been scrubbed before......voila! To quote mom...it's glue/hair free and as smooth as a baby's bottom.

Oh, an' next time you see me, don't pay any attention to the hand shaped bald spot on my back..just kidding, but it coulda' happened....hope I've made your life a lil' easier 
smile emoticon

Mom did not wet her pants......

Ahem.....is this thing on?....<clearin' my throat an' gettin' my prepared public statement ready that mom's makin' me do, I dunno why, it should be obvious....but she's givn' me that "just do it" loo.  So, here goes...>

To whom it may concern or interest, mom did NOT wet her pants.  I wiped my beard on 'em after gettin' a drink from her sink.  
Thank you...an' I hope this claifies everythin'.

<gettin' down from thepodium..mutterin'?   I don't see what the big deal is.  It's not like I wear a shirt an' can wipe my beard off on my sleeve.  She was there an'...well, can I help it if her crotch is nose/beard level an' those pants show every single lil' damp spot?  They'll dry an' it was clean water.  Geez...she oughta' wear it proudly like a badge...kinda like a love sign.  :)

The Fugitive

AHS Report.....While out w/mom checkin' her greenhouse, Lexie an' I were brought up short by the sounds of lots of sirens comin' into our neighborhood an' then stoppin'.  Now, we hear sirens all the time 'cause we're close to a highway an' a busy road that intersects it, but we knew somethin' was up when they seemed to have stopped right at the corner, just a few houses down.  Lexie an' I made a beeline to our side fence, by the big field.  Then there was shoutin', we were at that side gate ready to jump into action.  Seems the police was after some guys (mom referred to them as "wanna be" gangsters).  It took four police cars to get 'em to stop.  Then one of 'em jumped outa the car an' startin' runnin' thru the field toward  our fence.  (I was hopin' he'd tried to jump in our yard...I really was).  Before he made it (he wasn't very fast...he probably coulda made it if he was about 50lbs lighter an' had his pants pulled up), one of them policemen tackled him.  Have to admit, Lexie an' I were disappointed he didn't make to our yard...we mighta gotten a medal or somethin'.  After he got escorted back to where the rest of his "friends" were...all 5 of em' were wearin' bracelets an' taken off to that greybar hotel, an' all the excitement was over.   But Lexie an' I were still walkin' tall as we escorted mom back to the house....like they say..."intent" is everythin'.  An' we sure intended on gettin' that fugitive from the law.  Another "job well done' in the AHS log, as far as I'm concerned.

The Cure

Mom's prided herself that she's not allergic to much.  There was that bull mastiff she had, that everytime he brushed against her legs she'd start itchin' an' have a rash..but it wasn't much of a biggee to her.  She just wore jeans a lot.  She's picked flowers in the middle of poison ivy, with no problem.  Mosquitoes don't bother her, not sure if they even bite her..the mostly swarm dad. Well...she finally may have found somethin', an' she's not sure what it was.  The other day, when she got out her clippers an' was cuttin' back some bushes an' vines, somethin' didn't agree w/her.  She's got itchies.  There's spots on both arms that she's just about gotten to the point of wantin' to take a brandin' iron to 'em to just burn the itchies off.  She's tried everykind of ointment in the medicine cabinet...even the one from my vet.  Nothin' worked...she even wakes up at nite, scratchin' herself raw.  There's even lil' tiny blisters, nothin' has worked.  She finally went an'  got somethin' new...benedryl extreme cream, an' put that on it last nite.  I noticed she was havin' a problem.  So, I went over an' made her show me her arm.  I gave it a good sniff...then I gave it a good lick or  two.  Lexie saw what I did..an' she went over an' did the same thing.  This mornin', mom said her arms were much better.  The lil' blisters were gone an' there wasn't as much itchyness.  She still doesn't know what she got into that caused it.  An' now, she's doesn't know what made it better...that cream...or good ol' fashion dog spit.  I really don't know why she even wonders.  I like to think of it as holistic/natural medicine...it's worked for us canines for generations.

MudBug...AKA- Lexie

Bark, bark, bark, bark,bark, bark, bark,bark, bark, bark,bark, bark, bark,.....4am.  Mom finally gets up after tryin' the rollin' over coverin' head w/a pillow response, but that insistant constant bark of Lexie's just permeates everythin'..even mom's closed door.  An' Lexie just don't give up.  Finally, mom throws off the covers, goes to the backdoor...an' starts to open it.  She don't turn on any lites, 'cause..well...nothin's changed in years here an' it's pretty much a straight shoot to that door....except for us.  Just as she's reachin' for  the door knob an' unlockin' it...Lexie is jumpin' up on her in excitement 'cause she's gettin' her way..again.  Then mom..freezes...jumps back with a "ewwwwww"...an' a "wt?"..an' a "you're all WET!"...an' a "get off me!". She pulls up the blinds an' looks outside...it's rainin'.  Then with her wet foot, wet jammie leg she goes to the kitchen an' turns on that lite.  We follow her.  She looks at me...I look normal...maybe the bottom of my feet are a lil' damp.  She feels me...an' I'm just a lil' damp on my back, but that's all.  Hey, I'm not stayin' out there in the cold rain..no way, no how.  Dad let us out when he got up...I went out, came right back in...unlike someone else.  Then mom got a good look at Lexie.  She didn't really say much, except tell her in her "mom voice" (you know that one..it's kinda quiet..but there's no wiggle room)...that she was NOT goin' outside an' she WAS gettin' a bath..later.....an' to go to BED, right NOW!  Mom, then went back to bed.  I jumped up w/her..'cause I'm the good one..plus I wanted to make sure I stayed on her good side...it's cold an' I sure don't want a bath.  Lexie musta' figured she better lay low...'cause she was quiet after that.  Plus, mom found the evidence that dad gave her some cereal milk before he left for work.  Can't wait to see how that bath thing goes, today...since it's still cold, rainy an' lots of mud.  lol

All in the Tastebuds

Mom is her own worst critic in the kitchen.  Me, dad, an' Lexie are always up for tryin' some of her experiments.  An' it's very seldom if any of us don't like it.  Sense we may not have a clue to what her "vision" was, we usually like it (an' that includes dad).  But if it don't turn out like she likes it....down the disposal it goes.  Oh, she usually serves it...just 'cause she don't usually have a back up plan.  But there isn't any "savin' it" after that.  Like today...it was cold an' rainy all day long...she didn't want to cook soup or stew...she already did that this week.  She didn't want to make chili...had that last week....she really didn't want to stand in the kitchen an' cook...I think that's the problem.  She wanted somethin' that would cook itself.  What to do what to do.....so, she gets out her crockpot...an' some risotto rice.  Goes on the c'mputer an' looks at all the recipes for crockpot risotto....combines about three of 'em w/what she actually has in the pantry...dumps it all into the crockpot turns it on an' goes back to sittin' under a blankie on the couch.  Hours later...she checks it...an' stirs it..an' thinks it's pretty good..kinda.  But dad isn't up yet...so, she turns it on warm.  When he gets up...she goes to serve it..an' well...she's had better luck w/wallpaper paste.  She tries to add more broth..but it just makes more glue.  Dad ate a big serving of it, along w/the shrimp she made to go along side (those were perfect 'cause there wasn't any of them left an' no sharin' w/us).  Lexie an' I thought it smelled fantastic.  Mom wasn't happy...an' it was sentenced to the disposal....an we barely got a spoonful & we loved it!  Dad suggested that maybe she could roll it into balls an' fry it...she just glared at him an' continued dumpin' it into the sink, totally disregardin' me, Lexie, an' dad. We didn't care what it looked like.  She's gotta understand that the three of us just care what it tastes like.  So what if it did look like a big glob of glue that her wooden spoon could stand straight up in....it's all in the tastebuds mom...allllll in the tastbuds....

Doin' an Allniter

Mom was a lil' disappointed last nite, but she's gotta understand that sometimes duty outweighs comfort.  Dad got called into work for an' overniter, that left mom sleepin' alone.  After he left, she stayed up late answerin' our messages on the c'mputer for us. Then when she went to bed, she called us, hopin' we'd sleep in bed w/her (she really wanted a foot warmer), or at least in her room.   Now, we do that lots of times an' have to admit, it's when dad's there, too.  (We do like a family "puppy pile" on occasion..an' when she don't feel good, I'm always there).  Last nite, we weren't gonna do that...nope, nohow.  Lexie stationed herself at the back door an' just lifted her head at mom, when asked if she was gonna go niteynite in bed w/mom, an' then w/no hesitation laid it back down on her blankie.  I went upstairs to my tower, an', oh..I heard her call me...but I had work to do.  I knew dad was gonna be gone all nite long, 'cause he was wearin' those "not goin' anywhere to have fun" clothes.  So, our duty was clear...to guard mom!  The best place for me was in my tower, of  course.  It's warm up there an' I have a panoramic view of the front of the house an' the streat in front...pretty much the neighborhood.  I can see a threat (most times just a transient c.a.t.) from half a block away.....there's no way anyone can sneak up.  Lexie's hearin' is exceptional...so, she's stationed at the backdoor...again, no way, anyone or anythin' can breach that entry.  Mom had to resort to surroundin' herself w/pillows..on her feet, back an' tummy..an' of course her head.  But she seemed to manage.  I gave her a early mornin' nosepoke after dad came home an' went to sleep.....just to make sure she knew that all was well, an' I was off duty.....an' that we had already been outside an' yes, it was still cold.  (Guess she guessed that w/the temp of my nose when I had to stick it under the covers to poke her with it...she did kinda jump)  :)